Sunday, 30 July 2017

Relapse (TW)

RELAPSE


Never did i think that 6 weeks ago when i was writing my last post that i would fall very ill, And its been horrendous with so many lows. Around 5 weeks ago when the heat was really bad and i couldn't cope with it was when the symptoms came back. When i say come back, I have had this before around 6 years ago and it completely changed my life. Yes today I'm talking about anxiety.
  
Around 6 years ago is when i developed anxiety and oh it came with vengeance, but i never thought i would have the attack again that lasts months, But 6 weeks ago i had the symptoms come back. And i tried to fight it. But it wouldn't work it was back and yet again i was one big mess that couldn't even sit in a room by myself. It starts of not being able to breathe properly, You know that feeling you get with breath when your having a panic attack. Yes that's what i had. but it didn't come and go i had it every minute of the day. The only time i was at peace was when i was sleeping. I couldn't cope. Every day i thought i was dying. For the first couple of weeks it was something to do with my heart then it was cancer and every other shit thing that came into my head. I was trying to make sense of it but i couldn't. family members where getting mad at me because they didn't understand which in turn only made things worse. It went from the breathing to chest pains to having pains in my head to the numbness to the thoughts, I was scared because i didn't know what was happening, On my 25th Birthday my sister took me to the doctors and he wasn't very helpful, I went home and tried to have some fun. But the week that followed was when it got really bad. I wasn't eating sleeping much and all i was doing was walking up and down because i was scared something was going to happen to me. A week after my first doctor appointment. My sister made me a emergency appointment and there was when i got the results i needed. She was concerned that i was left like i was but she put me on antidepressants and beta blockers.  Since then I've had two appointments with her and shes signed me off and made sure the med's were agreeing with me. She really is lovely and i couldn't be anymore grateful. But the tablets take 6/8 weeks to work. And that's been hard to deal with. The symptoms have been so bad that most days I've broke down. My mental health is at a all time low. But slowly I'm trying to build myself back up because i couldn't cant stay down here forever. 

These past six weeks have been my worst nightmare and to say I've been deeply affected would be a understatement. I don't understand why i keep having things that test me and make me so unhappy, But I've been under so much stress this past year so there's no wonder why i had this attack. Right now I'm trying to get on. But its very hard. After weeks of being so tense and hyperventilating i have given my self a chest strain. Well i think its that. But I'm still having daily panic attacks there just at the not every second. And I'm having maybe around 2/3 a day which is still a improvement. 

This is why i haven't been around and it's made me so frustrated because i had so much planed but i couldn't even think about doing this when i was so poorly. Mental health is really something that can ruin your life and I'm so fed up of having it. But now I'm on med's and been put a therapy waiting list 

I'm taking it day by day and I hope things get much easier for me, For now I'm focusing on the good because in life negativity gets you no where.

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