Sunday, 21 May 2017

Abandonment / mental health /


ABANDONMENT


I haven't wrote a blog post in a couple of months. A lot has gone on and I wish I could say its been good but everything has been very awful. If anything went right for me it would be a miracle. I'm not the most positive person right now which is so weird for me to say, because 2 months back I was the happiest person going. I had everything that I wanted. Fast forward 2 months on and everything has gone and when I mean everything I mean personal things and I will get into it later on. But my gosh my life has gone down hill fast. I wasn't going to write a post. But right now that's the only thing that is distracting me.

I wanted to write about ABANDONMENT. Wow that's personal. I have never used It before because I never wanted to admit it. But yes I was abandoned as a child. I have never gone deeper then that because it doesn't seem that it happened to me. But it did When I was Seven years old a month before my eight birthday. My abusive father walked out on the family and that was the last time I ever saw him. This year its been 17 years. I didn't miss what he did to the family but growing up without a father when you had one for a certain amount of time was hard. Even though life was rough it was our rough and when he left it was a shit show but that's for another post.

I guess why I shared that is because I feel the same I did as a eight year old child as a 24 year old women but this time it wasn't because my father left me. This time my boyfriend left. Wow that feels stupid doesn't it. It's not the same Amy. I know it isn't the same but it feels the same because I loved both very much. Yes a different love but love all the same, two weeks ago it all happened. Well I say two weeks things haven't  been right for nearly two months. You know that feeling of denial. I wouldn't accept it because I knew if I did things would end. I knew I wasn't strong enough for that. I'm looking at this and can't believe what I'm seeing, See I'm not a very open person. Especially with my life and the things that happen. But I new writing about it would help me accept more. Right now I'm not accepting and would take him back in a heartbeat. But that says a lot about me then him. I feel abandoned. They come rushing back, the feelings I never wanted to feel again. And I new by not feeling them again was not falling for someone. But I did, right now I see it as a mistake because of all the feelings. The feelings that's making me feel like I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel isolated and very alone. I'm in a dark place and its scary. I have been hear before and its making me feel like a failure for coming back to a place that I never wanted to, But I guess that's life not everything goes to plan. But that doesn't stop it from hurting so much and that feeling of not being able to breathe. And all the good memories coming back. The hating yourself and how can I forget
"what did I do wrong" I'm not a easy person at all, And he knew that. Most of it comes from MH related problems. But when a person promises everything and to never leave is one the most hardest things to accept and then when you do accept that person is in for the long haul, It turns out he wasn't. He wasn't cut out for a life that we wanted. He changed. I didn't recognise him anymore. Then bam he's gone. The person I loved so much wasn't here anymore. From something so full of promise to complete silence. My world is deathly silent. No light and certainly no smiles, The brokenness I feel is like glass shattering everywhere. But my world is silent. No one to share anything with the good and the bad, The little things that made our relationship has gone. The feeling of being wanted and the thought of our future has gone. Everything has gone and I find myself being so angry and blaming myself to the core. " If I was normal" The thought of the future is so scary. Because what I wanted what we wanted has gone.

I feel I failed, I can see all the things that I could of changed but I didn't. The thoughts the feelings are so powerful, I want my brain to be silent like my world is. Seeing all this written down seems like a story that you would see in a book. But its my life. A life I never thought I would see. I new that trusting a person with something I protect so much would end up in pain. I hate how I'm always right. Right now I hate him so much because he new what it would do to me and how this would all pan out, I guess that's why the ignoring Is happening (Yes I'm in that stage of texting him) because out of sight out of mind. I truly believe he was planning this for a while but couldn't bring himself to do it. But he did, he wanted something more then I could give. Wow this is so raw, the rawness I felt so many years ago. But a child feelings to a adult feelings is very different, But so similar. the little seven year old girl is crying out once again. I find my self sitting there not being able to move or doing everything to distract myself from the feelings. I need to accept but I don't know how to, Its going around and around every minute of the day. Some might find this incredibly stupid. But I don't think it is. This is raw and real life. 

I never want to see him again and I've got rid of everything that was his or what he brought, I couldn't keep anything around me like that. Because it would be a reminder everyday of what he did. This has brought me down like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to put the bricks back together just yet. To some this would just be a breakup and slowly would put themselves back together. But this to me is what I went through many years ago. That took me 14 years to trust someone. So I know I wont  be trusting anyone for a long time because I can't go through this. I new after a while we wouldn't be trusting anyone for a very long time and I blame him for that. If it had ended differently to what it did then I think I could of been ok with that. But how it did is the definition of a coward. But I don't want to go into it.

Wow all my feelings and thought on a screen, of something that has given me a extra chip. What do I do know. I actually don't know but I know I have to go to the doctors to get extra help. And I guess having my life very simple from now on. At least till I heal more from this all. Eventually I hope to be happy again. Even if it feels like I won't ever be again. But that's not for me to see and I pray that my future won't be any more hurt because I think I've gone thought my fair share in my life.

To anyone reading this that is going through the same as me. I'm so sorry and we will get through it. Unfortunately this is a very ugly part of life. Just stay strong.
   

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this has happened. A similar thing has happened to me and I felt pretty damn horrendous for months. It did get better, but it does feel shitty for a while. But the important thing to remember is it isn't forever. Just keep doing one day at a time, then another. And try and talk to people. x

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  2. So sorry you had these experiences. I'm feeling a similar way at the moment but it's with a mixture of different people.

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  3. I've felt this. And only really started facing up to the why's myself. Take each day as it comes. Please don't be hard on yourself. Your self worth is not measured by the people who choose to stick around. So love and look after you. These things are beyond your control. No matter what you did or didn't do. It's still not your doing. So let the guilt go. It's destructive. Hang in there. Things do get brighter. Xxx

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  4. You poor thing, I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. I'm not going to pretend I know exactly how you're feeling or tell you to just chin up because that's not what you need but I do hope the doctor can give you some advice and that the people around you are supporting you. It will get better over time but you deserve so much better sweetpea, stay strong xxxx

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