Sunday, 16 October 2016

A very honest Mental Health update. (Possible TW)

I know I've always written about mental health. But hardly any of my posts about how I'm doing now. It's never in detail and for some reason I'm always worried about doing it. I'm worried about judgement also that it's written down for everyone to see. But this is my outlet. I don't really have people in my real life that I can tell everything too because of judgement. So this is mine and even though the world can see it. All I've had from my previous mental health posts is support.

I was doing ok, actually better then okay. I was doing things and living my life. More then I have all year. Then bam out of no where it came back. I thought it was just a off day and that I could pick myself back up like I always do. Even though I felt terrible I tried to keep a positive mind about things and carried on. Even though I carried on I could feel myself slipping and slipping back into my old ways. I wouldn't accept that this was happening again. This year has been terrible for mental illness. It's always been something and its so tiring. When the good started to happen I was hoping that it was to stay and I wouldn't have a bad time for a while. It didn't happen. And I found myself saying why me. It gave me the thoughts of would I ever live a normal life, because these lapses happen so often. It's hard to carry on with normal life when all I want to do is hide in my bed and not be seen by anyone.

Two weeks this has been happening. But I'm so good at hiding things that no one has a clue. I guess I do this because they don't understand and if they do they like to make me feel guilty. So everyday the fake plastered smile goes on and when everyone winds down for the night the fake plastered smile comes off and the tears start rolling down my cheeks. because I can't keep it in anymore. All the hurt and sadness is so overwhelming for me to handle. Depression and Anxiety are back in full swing. And it hasn't shifted. I usually can get rid by forgetting that it's there and just getting on with things. But sometimes I just can't and it overtakes me in so many ways. When this happens I feel so small and undeserving of anything. The feelings are so raw  and I think as I get older and this still carries on the feeling of self hatred gets worse. When everyone is living I'm the one that's alive and that's it for me. To be honest it's always like this. When I'm doing better everyone wants to be in my life and when I'm in my mental illness meltdown no one want's to no me. So that's left me without any friends and that's very lonely and gets to me more then I would like to admit. It always seems that I'm not good enough for anyone.

Being in a relationship and having these relapses is very hard to deal with. He knows but doesn't no the extreme of it. I obviously have to say that I'm struggling but I always give him the nice side of it. Because its better that way. No judgement and no worrying about me from his side. Because out of everything the thing I hate the most is when I'm like this is sympathy or worry. It's something I can't handle and it makes me feel worse for being this way again

The tiredness is unreal, I always want to sleep but when it comes to sleep I don't get any. For lots of reasons. The one that's causing the most problems is the fear of death. I dream it and I feel the fear run through my body before I sleep. It's one of the most disgusting feelings that can go through your body. It's paralysing and it can take your breath away at when the thought's appear. I don't really know were this has come from but this has been happening for a long while and its shit scary and makes sleep impossible. Also all the other self destructive thoughts have come back. And when you've been doing these things on and off for over 10 years. It's hard to not give in and most likely every relapse I do. It's something I haven't got over .

I tweeted today that I was going to make a doctors appointment because the feelings and the darkness has got to much for me. But there is always this second voice that always comes out with fear because the way I was treated before. That appointment  has done so much damage and made me never want to go back to doctors for my mental health again. But I know I have to but it's actually doing it and going through with it. Because I am scared to the bones.

So there is my update. I'm doing rubbish and right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now. Daily activity and even getting up and washing is the hardest thing in the world right now for me to do. Mental illness Is hard and I hate it so much. And more I hate the reasons why I'm like this I always think if these things hadn't happened would I be different. But I can't change that.

Sorry for the long post it's very chatty  and very truthful. My life isn't perfect its dam hard.


  1. You're very brave for sharing this!

    Sometimes with depression just having it all roll back and come at you full force is as bad as dealing with it daily because it almost feels like you're a victim to it and you just can't control it.

    The best thing to do is book your appointment and just let it all spill out - take some tissues and have a properly ugly cry because the GP will see your pain and try to help you. The worst thing you can do is hold back around a medical professional because they need to see how bad it is to a) help you and b) see how it is effecting you. I know it's really, really hard and the depression and anxiety will say those nasty doubts in your mind that will just bury you in a pit of sadness for the longest time.

    Keep it up, I completely know what you're going through *hugs*

    Mel ★

    1. Thanks so much for leaving such a lovely comment. I did book my apt and I'm determined to get the right help. It's really hard but hopefully I come up soon.
      I'm sorry you know what it's like. I'm always around for a chat.

  2. Well done on being honest. Mental health issues are so hard to talk about because there are so many people, like you say, that just don't get it.
    I felt almost like I was reading something I had written. I too have an crazy fear of death, problem is you get so scared of dying that you forget to live.
    Although I don't wish the feelings that come with depression and anxiety on anyone, it is comforting to know there are others going through the same battle.
    Stay Strong


    1. Thank you. They definitely are. I'm sorry you know what it's like to go through this. It's hell and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Always around for a chat
      Thanks for commenting

  3. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this Amy, it is horrible and I understand. I know you've had a bad experience in the past with the GP but is there perhaps a different one you can speak to? Or ring a helpline? Just to chat to someone about how you're feeling. I of course am always here for you, anytime at all, please feel free to drop me a line anytime at all I am more than happy to chat <3 thinking of you darling, lots of love xx

    Zoe ♥ MammafulZo

    1. Thank you so much for being so suppritve of me and it's so lovely. Every time I come on here there's always a comment from you and it really does warm my heart. Thanks so much for offering for me to chat but you have enough going on. Thanks for the offer lovely.
      Thanks for commenting once again

  4. Hi Amy, I am new to your blog and just wanted to comment and say thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. It's good for you but also great for others to know they are not the only ones who suffer.

    I have recently spent the past week caring for a dear friend who is also suffering as you do and my heart bleeds for her as I feel helpless to help. Similar with yourself she had a horrible experience with her doctor and doesn't feel ready to go back but just talking it all out seems to really make a difference.
    Thank you again for sharing.