Monday, 16 May 2016

Mental health And Relationships. (My Experience)

I've been wanting to write this post for a while. I've never had the courage or knew were to start. But for some reason today I felt ready to share. I think writing and sharing is so important because it can help people. But I do get sharing isn't for everyone. And I know I won't be sharing some things. But for the things I feel comfortable writing and pressing that publish button I will. Because I know when I was growing up I wish there was posts like this to read so I knew I wasn't alone going through these struggles.


For as long as I can remember me and relationships is something I really found difficult. From boyfriends to Friends and to even Family. I found it hard to connect and trust people. I would have friends but there was no attachment there. I wouldn't care If I didn't hear from them or if they stopped talking to me. It was like it was only me in this big bubble and no one entered it. Trust was a big thing. And I didn't trust many people. As I got older It didn't get much better. But working out why I was like I was didn't happen. Or more like I was in denial about it. My brain thought this was the best option. It was a very lonely place to be. I think It made me miss out on so much but taking that big step was way worse for me.

I remember my first ever "proper" Relationship. And thinking back to it is actually quite sad. I was 16. Being 16  I thought it was the best thing having a boyfriend and dare I say it I thought I was in LOVE. I thought to myself wow my barrier has come down. But it hadn't even though I thought I was in Love It wasn't because the feelings weren't there . And to be honest I think it was the case on both parties. But it took us 9 months to end and then get back together and that lasted quite a bit. I think it was the safe option. But soon it crumbled forever and he went and I haven't spoke to him again. Many factors made this relationship not work but the main one was me because I couldn't let him in. You can't have a relationship without trust and feelings it doesn't work.

When I was in therapy I explained on what I found difficult and she was deeply sad. I remember her saying "You have so much to give, don't let the barriers win" that has stuck with for a good couple of years and I guess that's what made me want to explore on why I was like this. So we worked on this and worked on it. And finally we came to the answer. I won't be sharing what it is because its personal to me. Even though there was explanation it didn't mean that my behaviours would stop and I could go on to have normal relationships with people. Quite the opposite actually I went through a stage of staying In the house because I didn't want to face people. That lasted a year and only going out with my Mum if she forced me. After that it was like everything was new again and I had to face people. I got jobs and started making friends. But yet again there wasn't any attachments formed. I thought I was going to be like this forever and that scared me.  Anxiety and low mood's which made everything worse.

I never new I would be able to Love someone and form a healthy attachment. If someone had said that to me I wouldn't of believed it. But I did. I fell in Love and this Love is real and pure and makes my heart burst at just thinking of him. He's become everything to me. When I first started having these feelings I pushed them away and pretended that they weren't there and I was always saying things to him to make him leave me. He never did because he new in his heart I didn't mean it. Everyday he makes me feel secure and loved and basically everything I was scared of. It's funny how life is. One minute doing something and the next minute the opposite.

The event that happened all those years ago shaped me and my mental health. It made me not want to have relationships. I was scared of it all. I just wanted it to be me and no one else in my circle. I couldn't get hurt. But letting my barriers down and loving him was the best thing I have ever done. I don't feel any of those horrible things when he's with me. Even though it can still be extremely difficult to this day if I'm having a bad day I know it's getting better.

Writing all this and remembering all those years of being alone made me sad. But I did it. Now I need to work on friendships. All these years I new why I was like I was, but I was in denial I didn't want to believe. Time doesn't heal but you learn to live with it. And eventually you have to trust people that they won't treat you like others have. If any of you reading this post have this issue please know you aren't alone and it's more common then you think Seek help because you don't want to miss out on friendships and relationships. I know I don't like this said to me and always go off on a little rant if someone does. But things get better. But you have to want it or it will just happen naturally.

This is a essay post but something I really needed to write not only for others to see but for me to see how far I've come. It still seems that I struggle with this but on my good days when I can see everything clearly I know I'm doing life the best I can and making attachments with people. Seeing that makes me extremely happy.

Never be ashamed of who you are. Everyone is different but also everyone grows each day. With some guidance to help sort out the problem to having a supportive person or even doing it all by yourself. It will happen and it will CHANGE..


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