Saturday, 25 July 2015

Living life with mental illness.

I thought I would start of the whole different blog change off by sharing with you how it's like for me to live with my mental illnesses. How everything began, how it affected me as a person and how changed it me. 
Here is my story. 
I was fourteen when I noticed things weren't right. But it in coming years I've come to know that I've been struggling with my emotions and mental health since 7. But let's rewind back to fourteen. Age fourteen when everything came to light and all of my emotions came out. I started acting out. Being so angry towards everyone and blaming everyone. I also took the anger out on myself. I hated the world. My moods was so black. And that's how I could describe it. Just black. High school was really hard for me being bullied and having a not very good home life lead me to some of My most darkest days of my life. It was a scary part of my life. I finally finished high school and went to college. The first year was perfect. I was a complete different person. Not only did I Change physically but my confidence was building up. I finally felt that I was worth something. After the first year of what I was studying quickly came to an end and so did my dreams. I didn't get into the next level. All them negative thoughts came rushing back and just quickly took control again. That's when I decided that I didn't want to do anything anymore and stayed in a whole year. As the months went by I got worse and worse. This changed me for the worst. Me making this stupid decision changed my life forever. I developed an anxiety disorder. I could cope with being depressed or being Angry. That didn't really change my life. But this change my life completely. I was like a baby. I didn't want to do anything myself. I couldn't go out myself. I need people to order my food drink and the list goes on. Anxiety took control of me and my life and stopped me from doing everything I wanted to. I was living a life of nothing. I finally plucked up the courage and went to the doctors she was lovely and she did refer me to someone. But the more I went the more her Attuide changed towards me. I felt like it became to much 
Of  a hassle for her to help me. Everything I've done since having anxiety is down to me. I felt the Mh services are good but there's only so much they can do. You've got to want to change. And this is something I struggle with. I do want to to change but I don't have the motivation or the life in me to turn everything around. I've ways struggled with being positive. It's Something that doesn't come naturally to me. It's very difficult for me to look forward to things. And I never let myself get to happy and I push the people who love me away because I fear of there rejection. At 23 years of age. I'm slightly angry and dissapointed that I'm not leading a normal life and I don't do normal things. But this is me right now. Hopefully things. can change. 
I'm going to leave this here for now. I haven't got down to the nitty gritty bits but I will share more. This isn't me wanting attention this is me sharing my struggles. I hope this makes one person feel less alone. Mental health is no joke. It ruins lives. 

1 comments:

  1. I know how hard it is to write a post like this one so you should be really proud of it and yourself. I wrote a post about my mental disorders and how they effected who I was on my own blog about a year or so ago. I know how scary it is to bare yourself to a world that can be so judgmental and I know it is even harder when you have an anxiety disorder. I think you are so brave for letting people into that part of you that no one really likes to let people into. You are stronger than you think and things like this just have to be taken one day at a time :)

    much love, Kayliegh xoxo

    www.kaylieghland.com

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