Monday, 26 May 2014

Living with Anxiety

Yes i suffer from Anxiety. Recently there's been a lot of fuss about bloggers coming out saying they have anxiety and apparently were all jumping on some kind of bandwagon. Maybe we want to help others or maybe we don't want to suffer in silence. Anxiety is the most horrible and life ruining disease EVER. 

My Anxiety started 4 years ago. It came out of the blue and i thought i was having some kind of heart attack. I remember going to the doctors and having to have everything checked out because i was certain i was really ill. My doctor new what it was and told me to come back if it hadn't cleared up on it's own. A week after the doctors i had these numb heads numb body and i was shaking non stop. I was so scared and them thoughts came back into my head that i was dying. Eventually it all stopped and thing's started to get back to 'Normal'. But what i hadn't realized was this was the start of something that was going to ruin everything. I started to have this fear of going out and if i was going out it had to be with someone i trusted and even then it was so traumatic for me. Because I knew what was going to happen to me my mind went into some kind of block. I new i would have it, I new i wouldn't be able to cope with it. I went a whole year of going out once a week until i had enough. I went back to the doctor's to explain. They sent me to a mental health nurse who was lovely. But i wasn't ready to open up. I was embarrassed by the fact i had this i was embarrassed by the symptoms of it. I didn't understand why it had to happen to me. I lost friends i lost pretty much everything because i couldn't face the world. I went from the most bubbly out there person to a withdrawn sad person. 4 years on and i'm still the same. I'm a little better but no where near the person i want to be. I've been on medicine and I've done therapy. Nothing has worked. I don't really know why it hasn't because there's nothing more i would love to go out myself and feel comfortable or going out with friends and not worrying what's going to happen. Anxiety has made me the most withdrawn paranoid person. I don't trust anyone. My mind has definitely gone into shut down and has just accepted this is the way I am. That isn't a very good place to be because i shouldn't accept that i can't go to certain places or i can't go for a walk. That isn't life and i shouldn't be accepting that. Anxiety wears me out. I'm always tired i get into the worst moods everyday i'm agitated and i suffer from insomnia. I can't do the most simple things that a 21 can do. Like use the phone go to a checkout myself, ask for something and there's many more things. My mum tried to be understanding for long as she could but now it's driven a even big wedge into are relationship. We were never close but now we can't even be in the same room without a argument. She doesn't understand why i'm not better yet and living a life of a 21/22 year old which is a real shame. I try and set tasks but i never achieve them because i automatically think that i'm going to fail or i won't be good enough for it. People think that anxiety is something that you can just get over and i'm telling you now. YOU CAN'T. there's nothing more i would love to get over it. But it doesn't work like that. I don't know if i'm ever going to be anxiety free or if i'm going to stay like this. I'm going back to the doctor's to see if there is anything more they can do for me. Because at 21/22 i shouldn't be having the life i have. I'm scared to go out in case i have one or something happens that i'm not used to. I have to plan everything a couple a days before i go out so i know thing's are going to be okay. If anything changes i have a massive screaming match. So I'm no were near recovered and I'm not quite sure if i'm in recovery but hopefully one day i'll get there and don't have to worry about the most simplest of things because it just wears me out. Life isn't great at the moment because it's winning. But i'm trying my hardest to make things better. But it isn't easy especially when you've been suffering for so long.

If you are suffering from any kind of anxiety disorder. Don't keep quite speak out because you shouldn't have to suffer alone. This has been really hard to write about but it's important for me to do it. 1. for me and 2 help someone going through it. 

7 comments:

  1. Thankyou for such a personal post

    I also suffer from anxiety and acute depression. Mine started a year ago now, but I only spoke up about it Christmas time. It's horrible.
    "I have to plan everything a couple a days before i go out so i know thing's are going to be okay. If anything changes i have a massive screaming match." - I am EXACTLY the same. I cannot stand doing something spontaneous because it puts me out of balance and I just can't deal with it. I'm glad I'm not the same

    Kirsty
    x
    misskirstyworsty.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks for commenting. It's always nice to know you're not alone even though it feels like it.
      xxx

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  2. Thank you for posting such an open piece. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my teens and anxiety has been a bigpart of that. Now at 30, I've finally found something that works for me. Don't let anyone ppressure you to "get better". Take your time & look after yourself. Lisa x
    (@CthulhuWakes - astarfellonher.wordpress.com)

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting. Thank you i won't but it's hard when we live in a world full of pressures.
      xxx

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  3. You're amazing for opening up to your readers on such a personal subject. I don't even understand why someone would "make up" or jump on the bandwagon for something so serious. People need to realize that everyone experiences things differently and the people suffering who are willing to open up isn't "seeking for attention" or "jumping on the bandwagon".

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    1. Thank you so much. People that judge don't understand which is pretty sad really. but hey ho we live in a world like that. xxx

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