Thursday, 10 August 2017

Life after RELAPSE


Last week i wrote a post about my recent relapse with anxiety. Today i wanted to talk about life after it. Because no one really talks about it. I think  it's important for me to talk about. Because so much comes with relapsing. It's not one day replasping the next day back on your feet. It's so much more and I'm telling you its so hard. I think that when it comes to mental health of lot of people have the mentality of " Just get on with it" which is so belittling and wrong. My life since relapsing has been horrendous. And starting new tablets with the side affects is also very hard to deal with.

Every day is a struggle and has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I never have energy and always really tired. I have sore bones and muscles where I've been so tense that its hurt me. My mind is always racing about something health related and never gives me a break and more but If I wrote all my symptoms down we would be here a very long time. But today I really wanted to get in depth about how it actually affects my day to day life. In the beginning of the year I was so motivated to have the best year ever. In hindsight I put to much pressure on myself. But after years of just going with the flow I really wanted to challenge myself and that's what I did. I got myself a job and very stressful job but I just thought I could handle it. At one point I did nearly 50hrs in a week. I was so tired and run down. But I was managing and actually doing well, Then something snapped, i had been very ill with a chest infection and was still working with it. It drained me and that's when it happened. I had to leave my job and that's when the depression kicked in i would just lie in my bed the whole day and losing interest in everything. The Day it all happened was was of the worst days I've had and that's why i think i relapsed so badly. My body and mind had given up after being strong for so long. 

Those couple of months were the worst. I didn't even think i would make it past a day. A new day would come and i would pray to feel better but i never did. Now it's the after-math of what it's done to my mind and body. The symptoms of the antidepressants  have kicked in and dare i say my anxiety symptoms have calmed down everything else hasn't. I try and be productive every day because I don't want to be giving in to the thoughts and feelings. But sometimes my body just needs rest and that's what i give it. From the aching bones to the fatigue to the racing thoughts i can tell you that I'm a very poorly girl. I let myself start slow and do what my body wants. Because this is how i t all started not letting my body resting and taking so much on that it couldn't handle it. It's very sad that I'm like this currently and only having the one person supporting you because everyone else has given up or doesn't understand and makes me feel worse by belittling me. My sister has been my Rock. And i could never repay her for hows she looked after me.

Now we get onto the now... I'm still so fatigued i ache and my mind races with horrible thoughts. But i have routine and routine is what you need. It's not down to time or schedule. But the little things that make a difference. I do my skincare twice a day. I also do my Instagram. It might seem simple but to me they take everything out of me. Because I'm still getting used to life after a relapse. It's a big change for me and I'm still adjusting to everything. Life has got better but I'm still struggling with the simple of things. I'm trying to be positive and that's helping me a little. I've just got to remember everyday is a new day and I can do this. I need to realise that my life is my life and it's not a competition and I've got this. Mental health does take your identity and makes you feel weak and useless but in fact we are so strong because we get through the toughest of times and its amazing how we do it.

I hope my next chapter is much happier and healthy. And if i keep with the positive thinking and taking time to heal the next chapter might not be that long away

For now I'M going to keep doing what I'm doing and for everyone else battling 


Sunday, 30 July 2017

Relapse (TW)


Never did i think that 6 weeks ago when i was writing my last post that i would fall very ill, And its been horrendous with so many lows. Around 5 weeks ago when the heat was really bad and i couldn't cope with it was when the symptoms came back. When i say come back, I have had this before around 6 years ago and it completely changed my life. Yes today I'm talking about anxiety.
Around 6 years ago is when i developed anxiety and oh it came with vengeance, but i never thought i would have the attack again that lasts months, But 6 weeks ago i had the symptoms come back. And i tried to fight it. But it wouldn't work it was back and yet again i was one big mess that couldn't even sit in a room by myself. It starts of not being able to breathe properly, You know that feeling you get with breath when your having a panic attack. Yes that's what i had. but it didn't come and go i had it every minute of the day. The only time i was at peace was when i was sleeping. I couldn't cope. Every day i thought i was dying. For the first couple of weeks it was something to do with my heart then it was cancer and every other shit thing that came into my head. I was trying to make sense of it but i couldn't. family members where getting mad at me because they didn't understand which in turn only made things worse. It went from the breathing to chest pains to having pains in my head to the numbness to the thoughts, I was scared because i didn't know what was happening, On my 25th Birthday my sister took me to the doctors and he wasn't very helpful, I went home and tried to have some fun. But the week that followed was when it got really bad. I wasn't eating sleeping much and all i was doing was walking up and down because i was scared something was going to happen to me. A week after my first doctor appointment. My sister made me a emergency appointment and there was when i got the results i needed. She was concerned that i was left like i was but she put me on antidepressants and beta blockers.  Since then I've had two appointments with her and shes signed me off and made sure the med's were agreeing with me. She really is lovely and i couldn't be anymore grateful. But the tablets take 6/8 weeks to work. And that's been hard to deal with. The symptoms have been so bad that most days I've broke down. My mental health is at a all time low. But slowly I'm trying to build myself back up because i couldn't cant stay down here forever. 

These past six weeks have been my worst nightmare and to say I've been deeply affected would be a understatement. I don't understand why i keep having things that test me and make me so unhappy, But I've been under so much stress this past year so there's no wonder why i had this attack. Right now I'm trying to get on. But its very hard. After weeks of being so tense and hyperventilating i have given my self a chest strain. Well i think its that. But I'm still having daily panic attacks there just at the not every second. And I'm having maybe around 2/3 a day which is still a improvement. 

This is why i haven't been around and it's made me so frustrated because i had so much planed but i couldn't even think about doing this when i was so poorly. Mental health is really something that can ruin your life and I'm so fed up of having it. But now I'm on med's and been put a therapy waiting list 

I'm taking it day by day and I hope things get much easier for me, For now I'm focusing on the good because in life negativity gets you no where.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

May beauty Favourites

May beauty favourites

Wow, we are a day away from starting a fresh new month and I'm so ready for it. This month has flown by but no surprise there because this year is speeding by. I really want to get back into blogging because I feel so free when I'm sitting at my laptop and writing. So that's what I'm doing. Today I'm going to be discussing my may beauty favourites. I went through a stage with not really enjoying beauty anymore. But over the past month I have found comfort in beauty. By watching videos to buying products. Which I've loved doing. I don't have a lot of favourites but just enough to create a post which I was happy about.


Well hello Peach, Yes I went there, I just had to. This was a palette I have wanted for months but I just couldn't bring myself to buy it because of the price. It would of been a massive buy for me. And I had to think would I use this or would it be another palette at the back of my draw (Trust me there is a few at the back) But I just went for it because why not. So it become apart of my collection and its absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, I'm so glad that I went for it because this is my favourite palette at the moment. The shades are so wearable. Even the brighter colours are which I was worried about at first. because when you spend money on something you want to as much use as you possibly can. I've been loving the pinks because even though there really pigmented I love all the different looks you can create. This had to be in my favourites because I've shown it some serious love this past month. I also keep smelling the gorgeous peach scent.


I'm always on a hunt for a new bronzer or highlighter, For some reason I like to collect them. I don't use them all but just in case I want to use a different one or I run out of one. (That  never happens) but I saw this in the section of the I heart makeup range and I loved how it looked. That day it was 3for2 and I picked up quite a bit. Including two palettes I haven't even used yet. But lets get onto the product in question. I just loved the look of it and wanted to try it out. So that's what I did. I don't really expect much of brands like this because but they always turn out to be my favourites. I think brands like this have so much to prove more then higher end ones. When I first tried it I loved it. It goes on so easily. One thing I hate when it comes to bronzers is when it gives you the "muddy" look. I'm a pretty pale girl so getting the right balance is hard to find. But this works so well and I love how it looks. It looks quite dark but it doesn't come of like that. But I guess its how much you put on your brush. I cant wait to see what it look likes when I get a bit of tan. The highlighter is gorgeous. And actually something I don't own. I usually go for really shimmery ones. This one is such a everyday one. It leaves you with a lovely glow and it lasts all day.


Highlighters have always been my thing, I just think there so pretty to look at and to use. I quite a obsession with them. I usually go for the more affordable ones and they definitely don't disappoint. I love the more shimmery ones because I love how it looks This MUA one does definitely do its job. IT''S so pigmented and give the wow look once its applied. It is very shimmery and won't be to everyone's taste. But it is really beautiful and has fast become my favourite to use.


This wouldn't be right if this favourite post didn't include a lipstick. I have to many and keep buying more, But I always end up buying more because I love them. But I think I need to cut out buying nudes because I really don't need anymore. But nudes are my favourite shades to wear. I just think there so gorgeous looking and they suit me so maybe that's why I keep buying them. But in my defence They are all different shades of nude. Sounds weird but they are. Lets get onto this one. I got this one at Christmas and thought it was going to be to light on me but it turns out its perfect and compliment's my skin tone. Its really a muted nude that's nearly lip colour shade. But its just a little darker which gives the prefect shade for me. Its from Ted Baker but I'm not sure you can actually get this all year round because it comes in sets at Christmas time. I've gotten good use to this over the past couple of months.


Oh, Another lipstick. Yes this one has to be included. I have always wanted to get a Kate moss lipstick from the brand rimmel. But for some reason I never really got one. But a couple of months ago I was look on the stand and saw this one and new I had to have it. Yes another nude but it actually applies more like a peachy nude. Which is very different for me. I don't really go for tones like that. But It actually grew on me very quickly and it was one of the lipsticks that  I wore constantly. Its a lasting finish with a glossy finish. I'm not one for glossy finishes but I will make a expection for this one. Also can we talk about the packaging. Honestly its gorgeous. Who doesn't love a bit of rose gold in there life.


Skincare. I haven't always looked after my skin which is really bad. But it was something I wasn't interested in. Its really actually something I just started doing because I wanted my skin to have some glow and to look all dark and dull looking. When I saw Garnier had released some new skincare I had to have a look at them. And I saw one for Dry and Sensitive skin is which is something I struggle with. Especially the Dry bit. So I thought I would pick these to see if they worked, Well they must of done for them to be in my favourites. I used them night and day and I saw such a difference. My face actually looked fresh and it had some glow to it which made me very happy. Now I can see why skincare is so important and that everyone should use it. I never buy the same skincare over and over again but I am with this one.

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Abandonment / mental health /


I haven't wrote a blog post in a couple of months. A lot has gone on and I wish I could say its been good but everything has been very awful. If anything went right for me it would be a miracle. I'm not the most positive person right now which is so weird for me to say, because 2 months back I was the happiest person going. I had everything that I wanted. Fast forward 2 months on and everything has gone and when I mean everything I mean personal things and I will get into it later on. But my gosh my life has gone down hill fast. I wasn't going to write a post. But right now that's the only thing that is distracting me.

I wanted to write about ABANDONMENT. Wow that's personal. I have never used It before because I never wanted to admit it. But yes I was abandoned as a child. I have never gone deeper then that because it doesn't seem that it happened to me. But it did When I was Seven years old a month before my eight birthday. My abusive father walked out on the family and that was the last time I ever saw him. This year its been 17 years. I didn't miss what he did to the family but growing up without a father when you had one for a certain amount of time was hard. Even though life was rough it was our rough and when he left it was a shit show but that's for another post.

I guess why I shared that is because I feel the same I did as a eight year old child as a 24 year old women but this time it wasn't because my father left me. This time my boyfriend left. Wow that feels stupid doesn't it. It's not the same Amy. I know it isn't the same but it feels the same because I loved both very much. Yes a different love but love all the same, two weeks ago it all happened. Well I say two weeks things haven't  been right for nearly two months. You know that feeling of denial. I wouldn't accept it because I knew if I did things would end. I knew I wasn't strong enough for that. I'm looking at this and can't believe what I'm seeing, See I'm not a very open person. Especially with my life and the things that happen. But I new writing about it would help me accept more. Right now I'm not accepting and would take him back in a heartbeat. But that says a lot about me then him. I feel abandoned. They come rushing back, the feelings I never wanted to feel again. And I new by not feeling them again was not falling for someone. But I did, right now I see it as a mistake because of all the feelings. The feelings that's making me feel like I'm not worthy of being loved. I feel isolated and very alone. I'm in a dark place and its scary. I have been hear before and its making me feel like a failure for coming back to a place that I never wanted to, But I guess that's life not everything goes to plan. But that doesn't stop it from hurting so much and that feeling of not being able to breathe. And all the good memories coming back. The hating yourself and how can I forget
"what did I do wrong" I'm not a easy person at all, And he knew that. Most of it comes from MH related problems. But when a person promises everything and to never leave is one the most hardest things to accept and then when you do accept that person is in for the long haul, It turns out he wasn't. He wasn't cut out for a life that we wanted. He changed. I didn't recognise him anymore. Then bam he's gone. The person I loved so much wasn't here anymore. From something so full of promise to complete silence. My world is deathly silent. No light and certainly no smiles, The brokenness I feel is like glass shattering everywhere. But my world is silent. No one to share anything with the good and the bad, The little things that made our relationship has gone. The feeling of being wanted and the thought of our future has gone. Everything has gone and I find myself being so angry and blaming myself to the core. " If I was normal" The thought of the future is so scary. Because what I wanted what we wanted has gone.

I feel I failed, I can see all the things that I could of changed but I didn't. The thoughts the feelings are so powerful, I want my brain to be silent like my world is. Seeing all this written down seems like a story that you would see in a book. But its my life. A life I never thought I would see. I new that trusting a person with something I protect so much would end up in pain. I hate how I'm always right. Right now I hate him so much because he new what it would do to me and how this would all pan out, I guess that's why the ignoring Is happening (Yes I'm in that stage of texting him) because out of sight out of mind. I truly believe he was planning this for a while but couldn't bring himself to do it. But he did, he wanted something more then I could give. Wow this is so raw, the rawness I felt so many years ago. But a child feelings to a adult feelings is very different, But so similar. the little seven year old girl is crying out once again. I find my self sitting there not being able to move or doing everything to distract myself from the feelings. I need to accept but I don't know how to, Its going around and around every minute of the day. Some might find this incredibly stupid. But I don't think it is. This is raw and real life. 

I never want to see him again and I've got rid of everything that was his or what he brought, I couldn't keep anything around me like that. Because it would be a reminder everyday of what he did. This has brought me down like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to put the bricks back together just yet. To some this would just be a breakup and slowly would put themselves back together. But this to me is what I went through many years ago. That took me 14 years to trust someone. So I know I wont  be trusting anyone for a long time because I can't go through this. I new after a while we wouldn't be trusting anyone for a very long time and I blame him for that. If it had ended differently to what it did then I think I could of been ok with that. But how it did is the definition of a coward. But I don't want to go into it.

Wow all my feelings and thought on a screen, of something that has given me a extra chip. What do I do know. I actually don't know but I know I have to go to the doctors to get extra help. And I guess having my life very simple from now on. At least till I heal more from this all. Eventually I hope to be happy again. Even if it feels like I won't ever be again. But that's not for me to see and I pray that my future won't be any more hurt because I think I've gone thought my fair share in my life.

To anyone reading this that is going through the same as me. I'm so sorry and we will get through it. Unfortunately this is a very ugly part of life. Just stay strong.

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Three top Spring trends £10 and under.



Spring has just sprung, Which also means that all the shops have colourful displays which sucks you in for hours at a end. Good job shops, You really no what makes a British person happy. Trends to me signifies a lot of money being spent. I know many people don't have the money to splash out on a whole new wardrobe every season. But there is always a but when it comes to fashion and trends. one word DUPES, If there wasn't a thing that you could get clothes at a fraction of a price of what it is on designer websites I would dress very boring because there is no way I would be able to afford anything. Spring clothing has made me very happy this year because its just me. So girly. The shop I got all these items from isn't going to come as a shock. Its one of my favourite shops to shop in. When it came to Pay day I went in and got some gorgeous pieces, Yes of course I'm talking about PRIMARK

Primark is the most affordable shop around in my opinion for trends at a very affordable price. Who doesn't want some trends in there life at a good price. I really had a good look around and they really have out done themselves this time. Everything is so gorgeous and so so trendy. I wanted to buy the whole shop. But I contained myself. I think when it comes to Primark they do it so well

I picked up three massive trends for £10 and under and I couldn't believe my luck especially one item because I've seen lots of places selling them for much more then I got them for. I would say that the trends for this year are Backless loafers, Bell sleeves floral print and over and over the shoulder handbags. That's all I can see everywhere. Also the colour pink. Which is just incredible. And I think what I like about it is that there is different shades of pink which is amazing for everyone, From nude pink to bright pink. With me I usually tend to stay at light end.

bell sleeves fashion spring primark top trends

This trend is EVERYWHERE. Not even joking when I say that. Every shop you go in you will see a sleeve like this. Primark is full of it. From tops to dresses. This is my second to first favourite and I cant wait till its warm enough to wear it. I think its so flattering and so feminine. But it also gives this top something special, It can either be dressed down or casual which is another reason why I love it.

loafers trend spring fashion primark

Right when I saw this trend I didn't know weather to love it or hate it, But I ended up loving it and wanting them in every colour going. They are just so, so stylish and would make any outfit complete. Perfect and so amazing for spring and summer and I'm going to wear these till I cant anymore. Primark is full of these style shoes right now and with different styles, I don't what it is about them but they seem so timeless and would go with anything. And for that price you cant complain.


Something I've never really get is new handbags, And I actually don't even know why. I usually just stick to one. But this year I really wanted a smaller bag. And this one caught my eye. It's floral nude/pink  and small. The reason why I wanted a smaller bag is because I stuff rubbish into my bigger bag. So this is perfect. Smaller over the shoulder bags are so in right now and Primark yet again are doing such a good job. 

So that's my Top three spring trends £10 and under. Primark is my favourite and they never let me down.

Were is your favourite place to shop. 

Monday, 13 February 2017

Hello, (Life update)

Hello, hi , hey this seems weird. Actually really weird. I haven't sat down to write a blogpost in a long while. I just really didn't want to blog anymore. Reality of it is I was getting caught up in this whole world of numbers and views and all of that. I fell out of love with it and then a couple of weeks ago I was thinking really hard about were I really wanted to take my blog. Use it for some good or carry on posting just for the sake of it. Then I decided that I would take my blog to the next step and become a mental health blogger. I say become like its something new but it really isn't, I've dabbled a few times with posting about mental health and those are the posts that I feel proud of. I want to use my blog for the good and not for the sake of it. It's so easy to carry on posting but if there Is no joy then what's the point. I need to go back to the place where I was a 17 yr old girl that was just going along happily posting when ever. Even if the photos were rubbish and the text was completely ruined by my lack of words or punctuation it was still carefree. I'm always the one that always jumps ahead or wont quit something that's become a habit. But to save my blog I need this change.  

Now on for the update, It's been a crazy month some down but also some good. This year I went into the new year with no goals but then as the month of Jan passed on I seem to have some. I DONT want to stick to goals because its no good for my mental health. So even though they are there I'm trying to not focus so much on it. My mental health over the past month has been a rollercoaster. If you can call it that. I've always been up and down with my mental health but as I grow older the down times seem to stay longer which is quite scary. My low mood has been stable with a couple of blips but its been steady which I'm thankful for. But the one thing that has come back with so much power is Anxiety and Oh my god its come back with a few different symptoms too. It's like a never ending battle and it's so frustrating at how it keeps on popping up. It always seems to be when I try and get some power back in my life and it pops up trying to get me to back down. I've been out of work for a while and this year I wanted to get back into employment and actually stay in a job. I am doing myself proud with that. I've been trying really hard with applying and it's working off because I have quite a few job interviews coming up. Even though I'm getting myself worked up at having a job I know It's a positive step to independence especially as I'm 25 this year. Life is the same with some improvements. Some aspects of mental health seems better but it depends on the day. One thing I'm struggling with is the denial of having mental illness for so long. It seems I've had it a lifetime but really its been 11 long years. I'm always wondering what if's and its so unhelpful but at the time it seems like the best thing to do. I'm currently looking into going back to therapy to help deal with demons and maybe put them to rest.

It's been a crazy but quite start to the year and I really just want to improve but I also no that the smallest of steps are huge achievements I really need to start learning not to beat myself up if something doesn't go as planned. It's hard to sit back and think this is where I am in life and it seems so scary too. But I think the positive step is that I don't want to stay in this position and I want to grow and achieve. Becoming a mental health blogger will help me even more. Topics and updates are were I'm going to start in the beginning I don't want to overwhelm my self. As time goes on I will start bringing new ideas to the table. I'm also going to be doing some posts about my struggles with certain things that have been years longs addictions and many other things. I'm not sure on how often I'm going to post but know there will be a post whenever I can. Especially as I'm looking for work. Getting a job would disrupt it. But for now its all on. 

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

My 5 tips to help Low Mood.

My five tips to help low mood.


Low mood affects so many people and it vile to deal with. I've been a sufferer for many years and not getting much relief from it. Low mood isn't Depression as such. But its part of the family. So it has very similar symptoms. if YOU aren't feeling like you used to please got to your GP and they will carry on from there. Today I wanted to write about my five tips that help me get through day to day. I'm not saying this is for everyone and what might work on me might not work on you. I just wanted to share. It might be helpful to someone.


We all love treats and even more when you're feeling not so good. About a month ago I recognised that my diet wasn't helping my mood. I was eating to much "Junk" and not enough "Healthy" My day would rely around food because that was the only thing that would make me happy. As sad as that sounds Food became my comfort. But eventually it didn't comfort me anymore. My skin was vile my weight plummeted and I was even more tired. I eventually new I couldn't carry on like that and made a choice to eat "good" It's is hard very hard especially as that was your comfort but what you've got to do is swap it with different foods. Have variety and balance and you will see a difference. I've lost some weight, My skin has cleared up and some of the tiredness has disappeared. Don't cut it out entirely because life is too short for that but don't eat it for every meal. It is all about BALANCE    


I HAVE never been into Exercise from the get go. I don't have much stamina when it comes to that. And to be compeletey honest I'm a lazy person. But with some of my illnesses at times making me not lead a normal day to day life I was finding myself stuck at home. And I was always getting cabin fever. A year ago I brought some funky colured trainers to make me want to get out of the house. I could be dishonest and say that worked but that wouldn't be truthful. Last January to March I did get out everyday to exercise but the old habits came back and I stopped. But I realised I was putting to much pressure on myself. I didn't need to do miles a walk down the road was just fine some days. So I started it again. I won't say I love exercise because that would be taking it to far. But I've put it into my daily routine and its making me feel good. Start of slowly and build up.


I'm just like most people when it comes to social media "Addicted" I'm always on my phone checking everything. But what that led to was a very unhealthy obsession of me comparing everything. Which led me into a very dark place. I've always been aware that my adult life isn't the same as everyone else's but something about seeing everyone's "Perfect" Lives got to me. I got to the point when I had to delete the apps. No one lives are perfect. Not many people would put the bad for everyone to see. I think what me and a lot of people need to remember is no one has it perfect and just because it seems it remember to think out of the box and not focus on the pictures. If you can't do that then delete the apps because I'm telling you it will make you so unhappy. Social media is there to document the best for most people. Don't compare because you don't really know who they are and what there lives entail.


Routine routine, Something we hated as a kid but need as a adult. Something that I've let slip over the years and that I blame yet again on no motivation. I believe routine structures your day to day life to the best it can be. I'm not saying this has to be for every day. Especially the weekends. But routine is so helpful to people. I decided that I wanted routine back. And I say this in complete truth, I don't have much to be in routine for. But if we thought like this then the world wouldn't work. I set myself little goals every day to help achieve some routine. They included. Going to bed and waking up the same time everyday, Making the bed opening blinds, Washing and dressing and it goes from there. If I have that in place then I'm usually set up for the day and keep motivated. People with low mood will struggle with day to day things and that includes me. So if you don't achieve that one day it isn't a big deal


When I say kindness I don't mean being kind to others (That's always nice though) I mean kindness to yourself, Your body and mind fights everyday. Don't be so hard on yourself when something doesn't go the way you want It too. Say nice things to yourself. Accept compliments don't brush them away. People say them for a reason. Be proud of who you are because the strength in you is way more then you can imagine. Treat yourself to things that you love, Delve into a book that you've wanted to read for ages. Have that lush bath. Just do something that is kind to you and your body.

This isn't really another tip but TOXIC people won't help your life. It dones't seem that they do much damaged but I'm telling you now they do more damage then you can see. I will leave that there for now because I'm going to do another post entirely on it.